I’ve had 7 sessions, and my scores have gone from 9/10 to 5. This might not sound like a lot but it is a huge difference in my day to day life. It’s changed how I think about my trauma, how I feel about it, how I deal with flashbacks and intrusive thoughts.
It’s been a difficult journey but even just getting to this point is something I thought was impossible. I’m so glad I allowed myself the time and freedom to be honest and confront this head on.
It doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect me or that I don’t get flashbacks and intrusive thoughts because I do, but what has changed is that they don’t always overwhelm me. Sometimes I can focus on whatever’s happening and work my way through it. It can be hard, it can be tiring, and sometimes I can’t get a handle on it, but this is still such a drastic improvement from where I was and how I felt for all those years.
I often find myself trying to work out if this is actually real or not. How could it be? How could something that had destroyed me for years, shaped everything I think or feel or do for so long, suddenly be taking a step back. How could that crazy overwhelming noise, suddenly start quieting down..
Now, here is where I start doubting myself. Working through my trauma, I start seeing my life in a different way. So many things I did because I was scared or hurt, so many things I didn’t do because I thought I was protecting myself, but it turns out I was actually just holding myself back. It’s heartbreaking.
Trauma isn’t the only thing you process and work through, you start examining everything. I feel depressed, I feel empty, I feel like I let so many people down, as well as myself. If I’d addressed this sooner, would things have been different, would I be where I am now? Would I be with my partner, have my dog? All these things swirl around, and then I feel guilty all over again.
Who am I without the hurt and the pain? Will I change? Am I going to be a different person, act and think differently? What if I don’t like that person.. what if no one does?
I literally had to stop writing and leave this for a few days because my brain just couldn’t process it. I feel like I am in a state of flux. I was in a such a bad place for such a long time, I started therapy, it was confronting and really hard.
It continued, it was still hard but I could see improvements and knew that it was for the best.. I started thinking there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
Now I’m in a state of almost constant anxiety again because I feel like I just don’t know who I am. Is this a good thing, is it a bad thing? I can’t zone out and distance myself from things the way I used to because that was literally me disassociating and not dealing with things. Dealing with things is hard, there’s still a long way to go, and I’m feeling a little lost.
When I started writing this one the intention was go through the positives but I’m in a very strange place mentally.. and this isn’t a linear journey. There will be ups and downs. It’s not a magic fix, and I’ve just got to try not to put so much pressure on myself or feel bad for feeling whatever I feel.