Am I lost?

When you’re young you have such firm ideas of how life should go. What age makes you a grown up, what it is that grown ups do.. houses, kids, marriages, jobs.

I was so convinced that by my mid 20’s I would be a mother. All my life I’ve been great with kids, the go to babysitter, a doting older sister. Family party? Jen will keep the kids entertained and safe.. and do you know what? I loved it.

It came naturally to me, I love kids and have always been able to get on their level, talk to them, keep them happy, even tell them off when they needed it, my confidence with childcare knew no bounds.

The number of people that have told me what a great mum I’ll be, the coworkers, friends or family members that have asked when it’s going to be my turn, that they’d thought I’d have had a bunch by now..

Well that, whilst initially flattering (as I assume is the intention), quickly turns to a little bit hurtful, a little bit heartbreaking and now, sometimes just plain devastating.

I’m 35 on Saturday, I’m not pregnant, I have no children. I feel broken.

I also thought I’d have a great career, even though I wanted a family I didn’t want that to be everything about me, I wanted to work, to be happy and passionate and make a difference.

Can I claim those things are true, or have I failed at them too?

I have a job, it’s a good job and I like what I do, it does make a difference, but not really because of me. I work alongside, for, or with the people making all the differences and creating positive changes, but I’m not one of them, not really.

I haven’t been in it for too long yet, but I’ve had long term sick leave for my mental health twice. That’s not a great start is it, so can I really say I’m successful in work? Does it count if I haven’t actually been there the whole time? Will this be my career, will I be able to come back from this leave, and hit the ground running, really make my mark? Who knows.

What I mean by all this is, we think we have a path to follow, milestones we’ll all hit on our journey, but I’ve diverged, I’m not sure if I hit them or bounced off and have fallen away in the wrong direction.

What I’m asking is, am I lost?

I currently work part time due to mental health and chronic illness, and do not generate an income from my blog. If you would like to support me and my writing you can ‘buy me a coffee’ which will help me keep following my dream and I will be forever grateful 💜

https://ko-fi.com/mentalhealthandmusicals

6 thoughts on “Am I lost?

  1. I think most people feel like that at some point in their lives. I’m 39, divorced, and on my 12th career. Not at all what I’d imagined for myself.
    I found a careers workbook recently that asked the question “what can I do that will benefit me in 10 minutes, 10 months, and 10 years time” and to write down answers for each. That really helped me to focus, for example, if I do the hoovering now, in 10 minutes time I’ll be grateful for it. If I put savings aside now, in 10 months time I’ll be grateful. Etc.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes I’m sure most people do. I don’t think I know anyone that’s doing what they set out to do and I don’t judge them for it that’s just life. Easy to be down on yourself though. That’s a good idea actually thank you! x

      Like

  2. So much sadness!! You wrote, “I have a job, it’s a good job and I like what I do, it does make a difference, but not really because of me. I work alongside, for, or with the people making all the differences and creating positive changes, but I’m not one of them, not really.” No, that counts!! It totally counts!! Without you, they wouldn’t be able to do all those good deeds!! Your job has huge value!!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. “All who wander are not lost”
    Sometimes I think of that inspirational phrase if I’m feeling useless. Not every decision you make will lead you on the path you are striving for. Sometimes the scenic route is better. You’re not lost, just taking the long way.

    Liked by 1 person

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