Today I had a really awkward conversation with my husband.
I had to explain to him that while I wasn’t quite wanting to kill myself, I was fighting the ‘everyone would be better off without me’ thoughts combined with fantasies of being put into a medically induced coma, having someone go into my brain and either remove the trauma and intrusive thoughts or get me to the stage where I can cope with them before waking me up again, enabling me to live a ‘normal’ life.
Needless to say he wasn’t thrilled, and I didn’t feel a lot better trying to explain myself.
Getting the diagnosis was a good thing because it was affecting my life and I do believe I needed to address it. However, having limited access to EMDR therapy means that now everything is kind of out in the open in my brain and I am back to spiralling but with even worse day to day experiences.
The initial sessions really helped, but because I got them through my husbands private health insurance, they can only authorise so many. After they finished, I did feel like I had a lot of work to do though I was in a much better place for it, but a few months go by and suddenly the once in a while nightmares and instrusive thoughts are almost daily again.
Imagine being sexually assualted or abused, and then having nice and normal dreams about the perpetrator. I’m not sure if the nightmares where I relive things of a similar nature that sometimes escalate to multiple perps and ending up being killed are worse to wake up and try to process than me and him bumping into eachother and having a nice chat. Going to the same party, having nice and intimate conversations like I would with an old friend.
It’s terrifying, and confusing and I don’t know what to do.
I feel like I am being torn apart in my brain and at the same time I’m supposed to maintain my physical and emotional health, work my job, pay my bills.. care for my dog and have good meaningful relationships with my husband, my friends, my family.